OK...here is the situation. I am standing in line at an undisclosed location fully ready to spend some more money so that I can get a wireless internet connection and I can return to reading other people's blog posts from the comfort of my own bed. The way it works at this place is:
1) Enter a hot trailer that is manned by some guy from the Middle East selling cell phones and other accessories
2) Wait till Middle Eastern guy finishes writing contracts for the 5 kids standing in front of you
3) Wipe sweat off brow (
repeat this as often as once every 30 seconds)
4) Ask the Middle Eastern guy if you can buy wireless access (
really just a username and password on a lottery scratch off with a coin type card)
5) Listen to his sales pitch on why you would want to buy 30 days of access rather than 3 or 4 (
his math is really good on this one)
6) Hand him your credit card and watch as he looks at you like you are retarded (
CASH ONLY in this trailer, he says, even though you just saw each of the 5 kids before you purchase their new cell phones and SIM cards with a credit card)
7) Run over to the finance office and ask for a cash advance on your next paycheck so you have enough money to pay for the wireless access (
This one was a little tough as it required my commander's signature and he wasn't around..."I will take care of you, Sir" said the female sergeant)
8) Run back to the hot trailer with a fist full of crisp Hamiltons and drop them on the counter only to have the Middle Eastern guy look at me like he had never seen me before (
in his defense, it probably took me about 40 minutes to get the cash and get back to the hot trailer)
9) Before I could remind him why I was there, we were interrupted by a short soldier with a shaved head (
not uncommon in these parts)
I kid you not, the exact conversation was exactly like this:
S: What are you doing? Running some kind of scam?!! (
Holding his scratched off card in the air, his rifle at the low ready-unloaded)
MEG: What are you talking about sir? I don't know what you are talking about.
S: I buy this card yesterday, enter the username and password, and get about a minute of surfing before it drops off. The rest of the day I spent trying to get access. I went to five different locations (
lists them off, one by one) and I couldn't get on the internet anywhere. I just want to know what kind of scam you are running here.
MEG: Sir, we do not run a scam here. I don't know what you are talking about.
At this point, I am starting to question my earlier decision to purchase the access. The soldier was quite upset and didn't seem to be getting anywhere with the MEG.
S: I paid for a day and got only one minute. I want to know what kind of scam you are running.
MEG: Sir, like I said earlier, we do not run a scam here. This is a legitimate business. We have customer service come out every day to the trailer at 1700 and you can meet with him. Bring your laptop by at 1700.
This is where I resisted laughing. This pitiful soldier was pressing this Middle Eastern guy about the $4 he had just spent on the wireless access the day prior. The soldier responded with this:S: You listen to me. (
PAUSE for dramatic effect) Before I joined the Army, I worked for Dell. (
Another PAUSE) Customer Service. (
Again, another PAUSE) I know computers. I work with computers in the Army. (
Don't we all?) I don't need the help of YOUR customer service to fix this scam you are running.
MEG: Sir, we do not run a scam here. This is a real company. I don't think you worked for Dell Customer Service, because that is where I worked in India. I did not see you there.
The entire trailer busts up laughing and I realize that the MEG is really Indian (I should have known). He wasn't trying to be funny, though. He was dead serious when he said it.MEG/Indian Guy: You come back at 1700 and we fix your computer. We will make it right.
S: OK. 1700? Right here? OK. I want 24 hours of access, though.
MEG/Indian Guy: OK. We make things right.
At this point I reach around the soldier and extend my hand with the necessary money for 30 days of wireless access. I figure the soldier had a Windows based system and that is what was giving him the headache. MEG/Indian Guy: 30 days access. Here you go sir. (
Handing me the card with the change)
I am just glad I have a MacBook.